If you consider any man a friend whom you do not trust as you trust yourself, you are mightily mistaken and you do not sufficiently understand what true friendship means… When friendship is settled, you must trust; before friendship is formed, you must pass judgment…Ponder for a long time whether you shall admit a given person to your friendship; but when you have decided to admit him, welcome him with all your heart and soul. Speak as boldly with him as with yourself… Regard him as loyal and you will make him loyal.” — Seneca, Letters from a Stoic
I have never considered myself as a person who has lots of friends. Those friendships I do have I cherish. They have supported me in times of both happiness and sadness. I hope that I have reciprocated that support to those I consider friends. There has also been some tough lessons I have learned in this regard.
A few things to avoid:
1- Friendship based of a common enemy. Many times people will come together with a mutual dislike for the same person. It will feel good to air your grievances as well as gossip about that person in the moment, but a distrust will start, which at some point will be shared for each other. The same annomosity directed toward the common enemy will at some point be shared between the two “friends”.
2- Friendship shared because of a common group. These friendships are not as detrimental as the first group but can be heart braking as well. These type of friendships should be looked at as nice in the moment, but nothing more. Examples of this include being in the same civic group, kids on the same athletic team, church group, political party, etc. The relationships are not necessarily bad, just need to be viewed for what they are.
Things to look for:
1- Friendship based off of trust. Do I trust this person to keep confidence? If the answer is yes then cherish that friendship.
2- Friends who will disagree with you but still love. We may love to have an echo chamber of friends (think Facebook) but there are times when our beliefs and notions need to be challenged or examined. Be grateful to the friend who will step up and say – I think you may be wrong about this and here’s why.
3- Friends who challenge you to be a better person. This is mostly done via example.
Some of the best advise I have received was if you want friends then be a friend. I hope that I can exhibit more of the traits of friendship that will lead to authentic friendships in my life.
Chris