“There is no downside to winning, It forever feels fabulous. But there is no teacher more discriminating or transforming than loss. The great secret… is that you can learn more from losing than winning”.
Pat Conroy – My Losing Season – A Memoir
I recently finished the book written by Pat Conroy that I quoted above. It’s the memoir of Pat Conroy and his experience as a basketball player who grows up with an intense love for the the game. He had an abusive father (who was a great player growing up in Chicago). His family moved frequently in his youth resulting in constant change and challenges. He ends up enrolling and playing basketball for the Citadel. The book is about their 1967-1968 season along with the ups and downs (mostly downs) that result. He is a point guard without a ton of talent but so much grit and desire.
“Losing prepares you for the heartbreak, setback, and tragedy that you will encounter in the world more than winning ever can. By licking your wounds you learn how to avoid getting wounded the next time.”
There are many things that I have lost at in life that have been transforming for me. Here are a few of the lessons I have learned.
1- Listen more and talk less – especially with your loved ones. We may think we have a profound thing to say, have such an important point to make, but it is not as important as truly listening to someone and trying to understand their point of view.
2- Life is not binary – as human beings we are complex individuals who make decisions based off dozens of different factors which change constantly. Understand when people do things their decisions are never quite a simple as we may think.
3- Go easy on your kids in their individual pursuits – as parents we love our children and want what is best for them , but this is their own life and journey. They need to develop their own passions and have opportunities to”lose” and learn from.
4- There is no substitute for time – time is your most important commodity. Nothing can take its place in your relationships; it’s a finite resource that we do not know how long we have.
5- Not all losses are really losses – there are unintended consequences in everything that happens to us. We lose a relationship, but that gives us an opportunity to meet new people and find new relationships. We lose out on a job or promotion, but that keeps us hungry for the next opportunity that arise. We are sick for a time, but that gives us opportunity to value our health and spend time with our mind. People criticize us, but that gives us opportunity to exam out own conduct to see if there is room for improvement. The list can go on and on.
I want to live my life in a way that loss is not only probable but inevitable. They can hurt, but I know there are life lessons that can be learned in no other way.
Chris